


sins of the brother, sins of the son

by puddings (kisa_kun)



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Character Study, Gen, character death - mentioned, just the canonical ones, our ciel not the real one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:06:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26199793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kisa_kun/pseuds/puddings
Summary: "It was cold, like ice; but all at once a hot, searing pain as well, like glass being dug straight into his soul, the core of his being. It was like molten lava melting over him, but at the same time, he was frozen."Or: A character study of Ciel's feelings regarding the loss of his brother.Ficlet.
Kudos: 7





	sins of the brother, sins of the son

Nobody could comprehend the pain.

It was cold, like ice; but all at once a hot, searing pain as well, like glass being dug straight into his soul, the core of his being. It was like molten lava melting over him, but at the same time, he was frozen. 

Nobody understood.

They said it was a tragedy. To lose someone so young, to lose someone so close to him. Not only his parents, but his twin as well? How cruel a fate, to separate them. 

Nobody could wrap their heads around the sheer agony that twisted him up inside. Hot and cold and burning and freezing, sharp and dull, aching but stabbing. It was as though his entire existence had been ripped from his hands, chewed up and spit back out into his face. 

How could a God- should one exist,- be so devastatingly cruel? For what had this child done to earn such horror? To witness such things, and perhaps the worst of all, to lose his other half?

They were meant to be together for all eternity. Their souls, he had once believed to be intertwined, were brought into this world together. Surely they should have left the world at the same time, too? For how could two beings so deeply attached, made to complete one another, two halves of one collective whole, be intended to be split from one another? 

Such a fate, he felt, was worse than death itself. No, death would be solace. A relief he had no business with. For he was undeserving of it- how could a monster such as he deserve salvation? The very idea was laughable. 

He was a monster. Nobody could argue it, nobody could say anything to change his mind. It was a fact. All the evil he’d seen, all the evil he’d done. There was no room for goodness in his soul, no ounce of light or hope. He was a monster through and through, damned and cast aside into the darkest, murkiest waters.

How could he not be a monster, when Ciel died, and he had not? It was a deplorable sin, perhaps the worst crime to ever be committed. How dare he continue on in this world, experiencing the joys, the sadness, the hope, the darkness, the sorrow, the greatest ups and the deepest downs when his brother would never see them? Torn from the world at such a young age, he had barely begun to live. 

He was truly a sick being, daring to breathe every day when his brother’s breath had stopped long ago. He had always been the useless one, the ill one, the spare to his brother’s heir. He had no business being the survivor, and so he had made the grand choice to take upon Ciel’s identity- not for his sake, not for anybody else’s sake, but rather- his own. 

Selfish. So selfish. He was a selfish being through and through, gagging on the blood shared between them. Suffocated by the strings of fate wound tightly around his neck- but no. He refused. Destiny? Fate? A laughable concept. No divine force could decide this- and if they could, he’d take the path they set for him, return the gesture. He’d crumple it like paper as he laughed, throw it to the fire and let it burn to ash. If the powers that be could be so cruel, why should he listen? Why should he blindly devote himself to them, follow their decrees? He refused. 

It hurt. It hurt like a knife being dug into him, ripping him open and pulling every organ, every entrail out slowly and surely. The blood that caked him was prominent, but unseen by all. No amount of washing, no amount of bathing or rinsing or soap could wash away his sins. Nor could any amount of unshed tears. 

Nobody could comprehend the pain. He preferred it that way. For why would he deserve understanding? For what purpose did he live other than revenge for his own sake? 

Ciel.

Ciel, Ciel, Ciel. 

Nobody could know. Nobody would miss the poor, pathetic younger twin that he had been. He’d be like an insect. He’d turn from a sickly little thing, wrap himself in a cocoon and metamorphosize into the being he needed to be. For he was bastardizing the name- Ciel. His Ciel would never have been like this. Nobody needed to know that, either, though. 

It was laughable. So laughable. None of them- not a single one, not even Lizzie,- could comprehend it. Could begin to understand. Could see the pain hidden behind many walls and padlocks. He liked it that way. 

Nobody understood. 

That was for the best.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so, yeah. This is actually more of a vent fic than anything for me. As somebody whose twin has passed away, I've been fascinated with the concept of studying Ciel's character from the perspective of survivor's guilt (which I have) and the unique grief that comes along with losing a twin sibling. A lot of it probably isn't accurate or something, because a lot of it is kind of me projecting, but. Well. I hope you enjoyed regardless. :) Thanks!


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